I wish I could understand....why I'm here. Sure, I'm here because I love my boyfriend. He supports me and loves me so much. As do I. But...have you ever felt so much love for someone that you ended up being stressed for them? Expressing the feelings they won't because he doesn't want to stress me. I remember what it felt like having everything on me at one time....it wasn't fun. I was always angry, because I couldn't do what I needed to do. What I WANTED to do. It puts a strain on us as a couple. Sure every couple has there arguements and about 97% of marriages are stressed about finances. We don't get to go out, we don't spend as much time as we both would want. It hurts sometimes, when I miss him. But I can't be mad either....because hes trying to make something for us. He's working hard because of me. I want to work hard too, and better support him, but I can't because nothing's coming through. Everyone tells me be patient, something will come through. You can't imagine what its like having your boyfriend/husband wake up every morning cracking his bones and has bags under his eyes from being exhausted. Yet I sit here and wait......wait for something to come through. It kills me more and more inside, I'm afraid he may be disabled sooner than me. I do the best I can to take care of him....but its not enough. We need to get away, and go live OUR life together. That's all I want. I know...if I made some type of income...I could help him. I don't care about anyone else except for my nephew but I know he'll always be taken care of. But even still....its not fair that he has to sleep in the living room when the one person who lives here is killing us all. He's useless, and I feel a built up hatred for what he DOESN'T do. Its terrible, but people don't understand. When it comes to people, even my own blood family. You mess up once....I'm done. I learned this from my father, and this is how I know I'm his child. You screw over me....once, I could care less what happens to you or your situation. Its like with my blood family (my aunts.) I refuse to have them at my wedding. Sarah says I don't understand loving someone when you don't like them. Stupid fucking people....you CANNOT love someone unless you like them. I didn't love my father at first....I wanted him to fucking die, did he? No. Once we became homeless I learned as much as I could about him...and I GREW to love him. He earned my respect and my love. That shit is not given to just anyone. Not even your own family. I refuse to believe you cannot like someone but love them. You only love them because you feel OBLIGATED to love them. Thats bullshit, and I refuse to believe that. One thing my father told me, that none of you may understand. Some people believe that respect is earned. It is...however, if your older than me you automatically receive my respect. Why? Because thats the way I WAS RAISED to believe. However, if you dis respect me, and I've done nothing to you...then its fuck you. My father told me and I quote. "Tara, you don't have to like me, you don't even have to love me. But I ask that you respect me." I didn't understand it then....now I do. Its too much work to compartmentalize people. If I were to have this conversation with someone, they would think I'm insane. All that love is just plain obligation. I refuse to feel obligated to anyone....that shit is earned. Not given away because of stupid obligation. Thats bullshit. I would kill for my family because they each EARNED my love. Children are the only exception to this rule. Children are just born, and have minimal understanding of the world around them. Its our job to make sure, they are raised with values...integrity and character. Does this mean anything to you? Probably not. But as long as I'm a part of that little boys life, I'm going to do my best for him....I'm going to make sure he is fed, I'll make sure he is taken care of until she comes back. He may not be my blood....but this is my family, and so is he. He may not be related to me by blood, but he is my responsibility, and in my care. At first I didn't know what to think about him being here....but once I started warming up to him, and taking care of him....I've gotten to know him better and understand a whole lot more about myself. Children will always teach you about yourself and what your capable of. If he's whining about something and is back sassing me, I'm not afraid to pop him once on his butt. Why? It teaches him that he will respect what I tell him to do because its for his own good. Would I eve tell him to do something that goes against his mother? HELL THE FUCK NO! & if I do by accident, I'll always apologize. So right now....that cute 6 year old, and my boyfriend is my life right now. I would give my life for that child. Because while she is away.....he is mine. I learned I do have a mother instinct when it comes to children. I think the older you get, it becomes more prominent. I'm learning so much being here. I just wish I could help...and its killing me bit by bit....but I have to believe something will come through...otherwise, I'll just be stuck. The last thing I want to be is stuck. I have to make this work, and I refuse to give up.....not when I'm so close to something big. I don't know when...but my intuition is telling me to hold on just a bit longer, but I watch what goes on around me....and I want to quit. It would hurt me if I quit now. I love what I do...and I want to be given the opportunity to give back. I want to live comfortably for me and my future children. I want to do something great for the world.....thats all my life aspirations are....and I can die happy knowing I did some good for the world. It hurts when I can't help. Perhaps in a past life I was on a life mission and died never helping someone. Perhaps I was selfish in a past life, and I want to make amends for it. It truly hurts me to my core...when I can't help. Some may say I'm strong, and a gentle soul. Perhaps I am...but I wouldn't know....all I know....is I just want to do some good not just for me and my family....its something that goes so far past that feeling....I want to do good for the world. I want to be known for doing something good.....because then my soul can be at peace once I do. I won't stop until I have. I asked God for this when I was child....and even now....I refuse to give up. I just hope something good comes through soon. -Tara

Its funny, again....I never thought I would've made it here. I never would've thought that I would've made it and actually moved out of my parents house. Its nice. To be with someone I really love and care about....and want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm getting stuff back up, like my twitter, formspring, myspace, youtube, and multiple other sites. I'm quite proud of myself and where I am. Its funny, how usually my thoughts are depressing. Sure, my one roommate doesn't help with bills and Colin is away most of the time making up for the lack of funds. But still.....for the most part....its really nice. I'm going to get my license soon, and a new car. Things are looking up, I just have to hold on and stay strong. Love you all for the support! Check out my website, my twitter and my facebook page! Thanks so much guys!

-Tara <3

I've never felt it like this before. Sure, I'm truly happy with myself and my progress. Problem is, I feel guilty for leaving my family. I feel guilty for being happy. Why? Is it because all my life I was told not to? I don't understand, I love my family. I never want them to feel like I've abandoned them. Because, God knows...I love them so much. I would give my life for any of them. My father included. I'm still angry at him. I have to let it go, otherwise my choices in life will be fueled because of him. Hell, they always have. How can I lie to myself? I've always been truthful to me and myself....until now. My heart aches from time to time, for things to go back to the way they were. Where we each respected each other...and never knew what tomorrow would bring. I..........want to forgive him. But I can't. Its so hard to. I can never forget what was said when he was drunk, the things he done to me. How do you forgive someone like that? It wouldn't hurt as much if I still didn't love him. I love my father, with everything invested in me. I don't know what to do with these feelings of hurt. I ran away. I abandoned them, because I was angry. Did my family deserve it? No. Thats why....even now, I'm not bitchy towards them....because my love for them superceeds my anger towards my father. I will not, harm my mother or my sister. Ever. I would rather suffer emotionally, and take the blows from my father than to let my mother and my sister suffer. Things can never be the same. Never. I know that, but still....in my heart, I hope for it. Its all I have left. I'm.......still...........hurting. What do I do with these feelings? They overwhelm me sometimes. I've hidden them so well, my feelings of guilt, my hurt from my father, my hurt from my ex. All of it, I've hidden.....until now. As I write to you alone, with no one around. My tears flow freely, finally. I can't let anyone see me as a wreck, because I care. People look to me for strength, for support. I can't be emotional, or show my feelings of hurt. Sometimes I want to, and I try....but very rarely. Even my best friends, Kat....Hannah, and my sister. I cannot cry in front of them. It would hurt them. I can't hurt them by my tears. So I cry alone, so I don't bother anyone. All this pain and anger, what do I do with it? Use it as motivation? Thats all I know how to do. Use it to my benefit. Use my anger, and my pain....as motivation to prove so many others wrong. But when it becomes overwhelming....I cry alone, or to my boyfriend. He's been so wonderful and so supportive. I love him so much, it scares me to my core to have him leave me. Not because I believe I can do without him. I don't know what to do without him. He's the one thats helped me, and pushed me forward. Pushed me towards my dreams. If I loose him, I would feel like I have nothing. In my heart, he is not just my boyfriend. But my husband, He treats me like his wife, and I want to be with him forever. I know its a long time....sure, but right now....the way I feel. He's the only one getting me by day after day. He's everything to me. I no longer have my family to lean on now...to guide me with what I need to do with my life. He's..........all I have now. God, please.....let me forgive my father. Before he goes, and I'm left with regret of never telling him how much I love him. How much I used to look up to him. How much I learned from him, and the good things I'm truly grateful to because of him. He was the only person that taught me to be strong. He was the one, even though it hurts like hell.....he was the one that told me to fight for what I believe in. I'm so much like him.....and I know it. For that, I may have to thank him. But please......let this anger go.....let this guilt go, let this pain go.....I can do but so much. I can only rely on but so many people. I beg you.............take it away. Dad......I love you.....I forgive you. Please just know....that no matter what people have called you, and whatever I called you. I will always love you, and I'm truly grateful to have you as my father. I can't live with this regret.....not anymore. God, I do love you....thas why it hurts so much. It hurts, that much more. God.......forgive me. For being selfish. I know....in time, these deep wounds of mine...will heal. I trust in you father God....I always have. -Tara